I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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