THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
