I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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