I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
