he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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