Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
