hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
