my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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