I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
