I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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