I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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