a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
