For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize