My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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