So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
