My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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