she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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