Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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