Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize