I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize