thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your cock deserves a montage
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
