My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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