I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
