why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
