Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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