I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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