So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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