Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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