I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
