I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
