it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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