I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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