On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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