1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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