Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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