If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
