You can't special order awesome
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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