Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
