I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize