My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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