so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
