the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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