I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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