Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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