I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
