sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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