forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
