Kiss
Puke
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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