You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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