he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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