is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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