buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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