What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
well you can't waste a boner
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
