party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
