I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
