my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
