he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I didn't notice because vodka
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
